Posted in Uncategorized

Today is my reality 

“He was the first to recognize me, and to love what he saw.”

 “To be together is for us to be at once free as in solitude, as gay as in company. We talk, I believe, all day long: to talk to each other is but more animated and an audible thinking. All my confidence is bestowed on him, all his confidence is devoted to me; we are precisely suited in character – perfect concord is the result.” 
―  Charlotte Bronte, Jane Eyre 

You’re gone my love…and despite everything, why am I not sad? You knew it didn’t you, that you had to leave? Then why do I not feel betrayed? You left me…then why do I not feel alone? Why do I sense your presence more than my own being?

Those who speak of love, did they ever experience it as I do now? All those who speak of the earth shattering, life changing event, did they ever feel this way, as I now do? Is this love my dear, tell me…because I don’t know! …This feeling of being complete, of complete conscience, of absolute clarity, of sensing, of feeling…is this love? Tell me, because I don’t know….

After all this time, all these years, I feel like a man who at the last days of his life has become conscious of every breath he takes and is reveling in the miracle called life! All this years I have felt it and I don’t care that you’re gone, that you’ll never answer these questions…but somehow I still want to ask you, is this love? Because somehow I feel it’s much more than that!

This new-found consciousness has, for the first time in my life, made me feel alive! Strange that I never felt this way when you were here!

Don’t be mistaken my dear! I do grieve your loss. But then again you had to go someday didn’t you? …Just another date, another two digits on a piece of paper! Today, tomorrow, ten years down the lane, either way one of us had to leave. Better you than me I say…

Regret now that is another thing entirely. I never told you how much I love you enough…but why do I feel that somehow you always knew? Why do I feel that somehow even knew? All these years we shared everything, but never those three words, we never said them, not often anyway.  And yet it was there in everything that we did…I wonder now, was there ever a need? ‘My love’, two words, and see how naturally it comes to me now! Yet ‘I love you’ –that we never did say! I wonder, were there times when we whispered them unknowingly? Sometime in these past 57 years when our hearts voiced the feeling that already coursed through our veins? …I wonder…..

57 years my love! 57 years of being in each other’s presence…of living, breathing, being with each other…Some say time flies, does it really? To me these 57 years have passed with absolute clarity of my being! I can’t recall single day when I didn’t feel your presence! Ask me if I want 114 years more with you I’d say yes in a heartbeat! But ask me if I regret the 57 that just went by…I honestly can’t recall a single moment that would compel me to say yes!

When people die, we often try to immortalise the deceased; reliving every moment spent in the hope that we can hold on to their memory … Fists clenched tight, holding on to the bygone sands of time,  perhaps forgetting that sand slips faster through clenched fists…

Somehow my dear I don’t have to recall! I remember you see, all those years, I remember every moment we spent together and even those spent apart! Because you never did leave did you? Even now I feel you!

Ours was a mutual obsession. You consumed my being; my thoughts, my presence, everything! Much like I consumed you! We were so greedy weren’t we? We took away, we shared everything…our joys, our grief… to us it was never ‘you’ or ‘me’ it was always ‘us’. Was there ever a time when we weren’t one? We didn’t complete each other, we complimented each other! Two pieces of the same puzzle each unique, each complete, yet together we were magnificent!

Our first fight, out first argument, I remember it all…The first time we met, you knew it even then that we would always be together. We were just thirteen! Yet did age ever matter?

 I was sitting on a park bench and you hit your ball right into my face, you and all your crazy friends! I had a black eye for weeks! I can see you even now, the way you run towards me, hair sticking out in all directions, that tiny mud stain on your nose, the torn faded jeans, the ripped T-shirt. And just like that you said,” Hey, Im sorry! You’ll have a black eye now pretty girl. I’ll get some ice for you…You wanna be friends?” And you stuck your hand out just like that, covered in blood, bruises and mud and I took it right away…

Why was I not angry at you? But like so many things does it matter? You called me ‘Pretty girl’ for weeks that was before I realized that we didn’t know each other’s names! I wonder if I hadn’t asked you your name would I even know it now. Because for you such things never did matter… like it doesn’t matter to me now? I wonder when I turned that way…I wonder……

Remember the first time we made love? We were just 17! But somehow it age was always a number to us…All these years never did that fervor die down…remember the last time we made love? Both of us 70 years old and going at it like teenagers! That was the day before you left me…and now looking back I know that you knew it was our last time, I’ll be honest, I felt it too!

Somehow we made every second that we lived count, we made every heartbeat matter!

My dear, My Love, I could go on… I could recount every second of these 57 years, Our first kiss, your proposal, our marriage, the time when we found out we couldn’t have kids…we took it all in stride, the two of us. A life time spent in just BEING! I gave you all I have, just like you gave me everything you had…!

I am going my love…the cancer reports are positive. Stage four…tomorrow is my last day, don’t ask me how, I just know!  I am leaving this world and today more so than ever I feel your presence. All this years you always said “Today is my reality!” You said that you had one life and you’re gonna live it up! My love you did… I did… but most importantly…We did!

And now my time is up…

I love you.

-Pretty Girl



For those of you who have wandered into this site WELCOME ! :)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s